How to friendship or not
A month ago, a close friend confided in me that her relationship had ended. I was immediately shocked that they had split up (during a pandemic of all times!), but what surprised me the most was that it had taken her two weeks to tell me. Even when she told me, I could tell that she hadn't wanted to share this new information about her life and was doing so reluctantly. She had been ignoring my texts, messages and memes on Instagram, but that wasn't completely out of the ordinary.
During the short course of our friendship, she would sometimes take a week or more to respond to a single message, often blaming herself for being scatterbrained or forgetful. While I wasn't thrilled, I let it slide because everyone is allowed to live their life the way they choose to right? The only problem was, that feeling like an afterthought or like something to check off a list, didn't make me feel good. But I thought that the relationship was worth it and that every friendship has it's peccadilloes, so this could be it.
In the back of my mind, I always wondered about the shelf life of our friendship. She was vastly different to me even though we had many similar beliefs, she loved to share her feelings on any topic as long as it wasn't too personal, and while she'd always say that she missed me, she was always too busy to hang out in person. If someone I was dating had exhibited similar behaviors, a few red flags would have popped up, but somehow as she was just a friend, I ignored my gut instincts and carried on with our developing friendship. I even invited her to my wedding!
When I think of all my female friendships, I haven't had many that have lasted. I can unashamedly admit that the breakdowns in the relationships that melted away, were sometimes my fault. I know I haven't been the perfect friend.
When I was at school, I was often bullied and spent a few years without friends. The feeling that the loneliness and shame created was vast and unshakable. That feeling always stayed with me, and I can think of many instances where I used my fear of those feelings to get into friendships that I knew wouldn't last. What was worse, is that when those doomed relationships ended, I was hurt and blamed the other party instead of looking inward.
As a teenager in a new school, I started connecting and creating new friendships. Some deep and meaningful, and others fleeting. The emotional high that I got from people wanting to be friends with me was extraordinary. Even now talking to old high school pals about all the people I knew and how many friends I had, I feel really satisfied, like I accomplished something phenomenal.
The first time I really hurt a friend will always stay with me. The girl in question was someone in one of my close friendship groups at the time. Through the summer we hung out a lot, communicated often and had gotten closer. We were terribly different, with our differences ranging from our moral codes to our differing life experiences. To top it all off, I felt like someone foreign was inhabiting my body when we hung out. One day, it dawned on me that I was pretending to be friends with her and I was sick of feeling like someone else when we hung out. Instead of letting the friendship fizzle away naturally, I wrote her a long letter explaining why I no longer wanted to be friends with her. At the time, I thought I was doing her a kindness by being honest and getting all my thoughts and feelings out in the open. Unfortunately I was really wrong, and caused her a lot of hurt.
Looking back, I can see why I felt the way I did. I was experiencing this "doomed relationship" feeling and I didn't know how to get off the merry go round that was our friendship. I still deeply understand the feeling of being fake. This sentiment is something that I still struggle with immensely. For years I tried to overcome it by not being fake and relying on 100% honesty (my version of honesty), but that wasn't the answer either.
I'm not sure what the answer is, and maybe it's a massive case of overthinking it. But in the moment, when someone you thought was your friend suddenly vanishes, it makes you want to come up with methods to avoid the pain and hurt that comes when a relationship disintegrates.
During the short course of our friendship, she would sometimes take a week or more to respond to a single message, often blaming herself for being scatterbrained or forgetful. While I wasn't thrilled, I let it slide because everyone is allowed to live their life the way they choose to right? The only problem was, that feeling like an afterthought or like something to check off a list, didn't make me feel good. But I thought that the relationship was worth it and that every friendship has it's peccadilloes, so this could be it.
In the back of my mind, I always wondered about the shelf life of our friendship. She was vastly different to me even though we had many similar beliefs, she loved to share her feelings on any topic as long as it wasn't too personal, and while she'd always say that she missed me, she was always too busy to hang out in person. If someone I was dating had exhibited similar behaviors, a few red flags would have popped up, but somehow as she was just a friend, I ignored my gut instincts and carried on with our developing friendship. I even invited her to my wedding!
When I think of all my female friendships, I haven't had many that have lasted. I can unashamedly admit that the breakdowns in the relationships that melted away, were sometimes my fault. I know I haven't been the perfect friend.
When I was at school, I was often bullied and spent a few years without friends. The feeling that the loneliness and shame created was vast and unshakable. That feeling always stayed with me, and I can think of many instances where I used my fear of those feelings to get into friendships that I knew wouldn't last. What was worse, is that when those doomed relationships ended, I was hurt and blamed the other party instead of looking inward.
As a teenager in a new school, I started connecting and creating new friendships. Some deep and meaningful, and others fleeting. The emotional high that I got from people wanting to be friends with me was extraordinary. Even now talking to old high school pals about all the people I knew and how many friends I had, I feel really satisfied, like I accomplished something phenomenal.
The first time I really hurt a friend will always stay with me. The girl in question was someone in one of my close friendship groups at the time. Through the summer we hung out a lot, communicated often and had gotten closer. We were terribly different, with our differences ranging from our moral codes to our differing life experiences. To top it all off, I felt like someone foreign was inhabiting my body when we hung out. One day, it dawned on me that I was pretending to be friends with her and I was sick of feeling like someone else when we hung out. Instead of letting the friendship fizzle away naturally, I wrote her a long letter explaining why I no longer wanted to be friends with her. At the time, I thought I was doing her a kindness by being honest and getting all my thoughts and feelings out in the open. Unfortunately I was really wrong, and caused her a lot of hurt.
Looking back, I can see why I felt the way I did. I was experiencing this "doomed relationship" feeling and I didn't know how to get off the merry go round that was our friendship. I still deeply understand the feeling of being fake. This sentiment is something that I still struggle with immensely. For years I tried to overcome it by not being fake and relying on 100% honesty (my version of honesty), but that wasn't the answer either.
I'm not sure what the answer is, and maybe it's a massive case of overthinking it. But in the moment, when someone you thought was your friend suddenly vanishes, it makes you want to come up with methods to avoid the pain and hurt that comes when a relationship disintegrates.
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